“I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spenser is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.” – Mark Twain

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” – Dan Quayle

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.” – Steven Wright

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. The people who get on in this world are they who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.” – George Bernard Shaw

“I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.” – Steven Wright

“Golf is a game of endless predicaments.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.” – Woody Allen